Self-indulgence; the only existance.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.

I am currently listening to the music of Dionne Warwick, Dusty Springfield, Aretha Franklin... or rather I am listening to music that has been written by the most amazing Burt Bacharach... and just to mix it up a little, I am listening to other equally fabulous, beautiful songs. I feel very calm, very relaxed. A little tight in the chest, but that has more to do with the fact that I am coming down with bronchitis. Woo. Green phlegm, yum yum.

I took myself to see a film this evening. Sex in the city, the movie. None of my fabulous friends thought to invite me when they did their girly fun trips to the cinema together, so fuck em. I saw it all by myself, and it was just fine.

Oh my, I'm listening to Mariah Carey.. oh dear. Oh now, Harry Nillson... love.

I'm rambling...

bryberry mentioned the fact that one can easily miss basic information about ones lj friends. It happens. And she decided to do something about it. She created a meme, which I have copied and filled in for your information. Feel free to do the same so that I might know the basics about you!!

1. First Name: Kate

2. Age: 23

3. Location: Canberra, Australia - my nations capital

4. Occupation: admin whore... student... poor person.

5. Partner?: danbok - he is quite a loverly fellow.

6. Kids: I am an honourary auntie, and that will do for the time being.

7. Brothers/Sisters: Tom, Emma, Megan. Lovely people who I don't quite get along with. Something to do with clashing personalities and family drama... and a dash of self-obsession to boot.

8. Pets: I want a hypo allergenic dog... but don't have a fenced backyard. Oh, and I'm slightly too self indulgent to think about something other than myself. I think it is a 'youth' thang!

9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:

• I am attempting to finish my degree part-time but find an amazing amount of other things to do instead of study - meme's anyone?
  
• I do volunteer work with a mental health group and I love it.
  
• I hate my job and am trying to fix this problem.
• I am attempting to fit the pieces of my life puzzle together to regain some normalcy...normalcy includes seeing a shrink, working a day job, buying my expensive sinus medications, socialising with friends, not eating myself numb, exercising and committing myself to things that make me happy.
  

10. Parents: Divorced. Dramatic. My mum is a bit of a nutcase but has been a great person to talk to these past couple of years. She is sometimes the only person I can talk to. My dad is an arsehole. I spend a great deal of my time thinking it would be nice to please him. But then remember that he is pretty much an arsehole.

11. Who are some of your closest friends?  I have a fair few. My loverly boyfriend. Fafa, Candi, Mel, Kristine, Nat, Lyds... I have a lot of friends that I enjoy spending time with though... and I would probably see my 'close' friends a lot less often then my 'other' friends. Hrm. 

Dan got a job yesterday! Woo! At a Backpackers! Woo.

You have no idea how much relief washed over me the moment I found out. All the shackles of debt and responsibility - gone! And hopefully the fulltime work is going to lift his mood. I think it will. And cash lifts everyones mood. Hell, he can buy as much fucking beer as he likes now! I am absolutely thrilled about it.

In other news, I was just looking at my sisters facebook and suddenly felt pangs of sadness at the wasted relationships i have with my siblings and father. My sister moved out of home on the weekend and has yet to let me know... the family gossip mills have informed me, but it's just not the same. A text message would've been nice. I would've liked to have been a participant (albeit distant participant) in this new, wonderful phase of her life.  I keep thinking maybe I should just call, but then I just don't really know what to say. I cant talk about me, because they don't really want to know. I can't talk about 'stuff' because it always manages to be controversial. I can't talk about them because for one, they don't say anything much, and two, i'll just get off the phone at the end of the conversation and think, fuck, what a waste of a phone call that was. They talk shit. Absolute shit. About nothing. And it is deliberate. They are keeping me at arms length. They don't want to delve in too deep. It always ends in tears or an argument - or both.

Families suck.

And I'm just so frigin jealous of, hrm,  every other person walking the earth. It is starting to bore me really. I keep thinking that it would be good for me to get all these thoughts (read - bad thoughts) out of my head and onto paper but i just can't bring myself to right them down. I annoy myself with my emo-ness. blergh. Get over it Kate.

I just watched a great spanish film about the terrorist (freedom fighting?) organisation ETA on the best channel in the world, SBS.

Now it is time for a shower and bed. Hopefully Daniel won't be too wasted on his return.

I've been feeling a bit down these past few days. Or rather, it is more obvious to all, including me, that I am not feeling great. I'm not sure that I really want to go into it. Suffice to say, I wish I were a little happier with my lot - thick ankles and all. I'm frustrated because I hate all my clothes. Can't get my make up to look right. Can't get my hair to sit right. I just don't feel right. I feel uncomfortable and frumpy. And I am paranoid that other people are perceiving me in a less than positive way.

I just can't get comfortable.

It is nearly three AM in the morning and I am eating left over pizza having been out on the town. I had TWO drinks tonight! The most I have had since December last year. Whoa! And my nose isn't even stuffy! Whoa again.

So.. hrm... I went and saw my shrink for the first time this week. That was certainly interesting. Talked about my long history of issues that have brought me to see a psychologist. I hadn't actually thought about much of it since I made the appointment two months ago, so not suprisingly I got a little teary talking about it. Seeing the shrink is definitely that right thing to do.

I did my first presentation on mental illness on Friday. I was very nervous. Had to sit down as my legs were shaking violently. That was pretty good. I have a tendency to ramble on and then, have another tendency to critically analyse everything I say, then pay myself out about it. Not good. I tried very hard to not do that this time and mostly succeeded.

I am really not saying much, am I?

Borrowed from jessichaos

I went to the farmers market today and bought lots of locally grown fresh produce. It was cheaper, more colourful, very fresh and has been trucked rather short distances in order to find its way into my shopping bag. YAY for less pollution! I feel all wholesome and eco-friendly. Except for the fact that my friend and I sat drinking our locally made coffee whilst smoking disgusting, foul and unhealthy cigarettes. But it was on a grassy knoll, and we were putting the butts into an empty container to dispose of later... so, we may succumb to a bad, not so wholesome or eco-friendly habit - but try to do a-'good'-thing (read better-thing) too. Is that good enough do you think? We can't all be perfect, right?

Dan the man should be returning home soon and we will be hitting the gym this afternoon. Which is necessary. I no doubt will feel great about it afterwards but just can't really be fucked right about now. I am so relaxed and content. Ahhh.

That is all from me on this chilly but loverly afternoon.

So I'm officially going to be on the radio next week. Talking about mental illness or more specifically my experience as a 'carer' with my mother. I have to choose a song to play. This is a big problem. I want my song to poignant, subject specific and original. Hrm. And I want it to be meaningful to me. I am thinking, Map of the Problematique by Muse. It is about desperation, loneliness and despair... and when I was going through one of my many angsty periods, it was on high rotation. Unlike my manly boyfriend, I don't listen to angry music, I indulge my emotions with emotional tunes.

In other news, I went to see a play this evening. Funnily enough, it was about mental illness. It was quite good. Lots of personal stories, songs, tears and laughter. I am still in awe of the courage and insight some people have with regards to theirs or their friends/relatives illness. It brings on what my cousin calls a 'love rush'. This flood of emotion and compassion that is all encompassing. I didn't want to get all sooky and have to wipe away tears but some of the stories were incredibly moving. I saw Daniel's ex girlfriend there and wondered if perhaps one of the stories was hers.

I s'pose I shall leave it there tonight. I am feeling quite thoughtful at this time and feel it is a good opportunity to take the boyfriend to bed and cuddle.

Until next time.

It worries me when I realise again, for the umpteenth time, that there are so many people out there struggling with feelings of sadness, self hatred or loneliness. In one sense, it is comforting. I'm not alone. However, why is this happening? Why, in the space of five minutes, a friend of mine confesses that she cries herself to sleep most nights if she doesn't leave the TV on in her room, and then, I call my mother to find her in the middle of a cry-fest.

And here I am struggling with my own feelings of self hatred, isolation and dissatisfaction. Is this the norm? Is this what adulthood brings? My friend suggested that perhaps this was the natural evolution of humanity - that we are experiencing an epidemic of mental health issues and that somehow we will evolve beyond this to something better... or worse. Extinction perhaps? We will all suicide and cease to exist.

I do believe that there is a depression epidemic. There are just too many people suffering and not enough services to go around. It really reinforces to me how important my volunteer work is. How important it is to be compassionate, and open about my own experiences. AND how necessary it is to hear my friends and family when they confide in me. I think that this might be my calling. I think this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life - creating awareness in the wider community about the destructive nature of mental illness, lobbying to improve the services available to all people, and helping to bring this issue well and truly out into the public domain. Currently it is not spoken about. At least not in a constructive sense.

I am going to get knowledgeable about this. It is too important to let it slip away like all my other passing fancies and obsessions.

By the way, just to end on a positive note - I had a pretty good day today... so far as working days go! :-)

Dan inspired me to do this. I looked at it a couple of years ago but probably lacked the maturity to attempt such a feat. So here I go.


In other news I lost 1.5 kilos. Woo hoo. In other news, it is time for bed.

I am a planner. I like to be organised and put together properly before I attempt to do things. Call me a control freak if you will. And when I don't have all the things I need I lose my temper, real fast! I never used to be this bad... or maybe I did. Yeah, I probably did. Anyway, we all have our faults and failings but instead of just apologising and moving on, I will sit and brood on it for ages. And I just feel really terrible, and shit, and that I am shit... and if Dan is ignoring me, then I think that he is shit and that life is shit... and you get the picture.

Gah.

In other news, I couldn't find my gym pass today and consequently didn't go to the gym. You can imagine why this tidbit is relevant.

In other news again, my ear is blocked and every time I swallow it attempts to pop itself, and fails.

I should get dressed and head over to my cousins. We are having dinner over there. Brrr. Too cold.

I AM GOING TO GET SKINNY!

I feel like I am burning with envy on the inside... it is killing me. I hate the fact that other people are thinner and better looking than me - significantly better looking then me. I know this is really bizarre and superficial of me... but i just want to be hot just once. That is all i really ask for. I want cheekbones, a collar bone, a flatter stomach, smaller thighs and arse, a more shapely jaw line... i just wanna be 'head turning' pretty. No more cute and tubby.

ARGHH!

Don't ask me why this has suddenly come up. There was a trigger. She was a good trigger actually and I'm going to keep using her. She is going to drive me to become a healthy weight. I am going to do this thing. I just have to get skinnier. I have to. There is just no other way that I am going to be happier with my lot. I know this sounds really lame and superficial BUT, I can mostly make everything else work for me except for my voluptuous figure. It shits me. It depresses me. I hate buying clothes. Sometimes I wonder why I bother... what is that saying about dressing mutton as lamb... i dunno.

It's not that I am gigantic, and it is not like I wanna be a size ten. I'd be happy with a curvaceous 14. At the moment I am at the top end of 16, bottom end of 18. It is doable. I am going to do it. Nothing is going to stop me.

NOTHING!!!

Did I tell you that I have had this miraculous turn around mental health wise?? I haven't had an anxiety/panic attack for about two or three weeks. I was soo bad last year, sometimes I wouldn't even leave the house on the weekends. And sometimes I did leave the house, only to turn around and go back after walking 100m. This is probably half the reason why I dropped off the ole LJ... and even the face of the planet.

I have an appointment to see a shrink in ten days. Should be good. I have been wanting to do this for quite some time now. I want to pay someone to help me deal with some of my issues... and I don't want them to send me away after two sessions. My anxiety/depression comes and goes in waves... everything going well? Feeling good. Everything going to shit? Then so am I. The world is falling apart? I don't leave the house. It seems like a lifetime ago that I was having these massive crying episodes down the phone to Dan - who was in another state. It seems a lifetime ago when I was living on my own. AND THANK GOD. I was a fucking emotional wreck. I was jealous, lonely, bitter, sad, frustrated, annoyed, depressed... did I say depressed? I still am most of these things but actually have a life to look forward to up here in Canberra. Friends help. Cake and coffee helps. The boyfriend helps. Money helps. Maintaining some stability health-wise also helps.

I've been reading some of my friends livejournals... i am kinda awestruck at their honesty. I haven't written down how I feel, or things that I have been doing with my life in such a long time. It kinda feels like I have been in denial. Maybe that's why I've been a bit more stable. I just stopped thinking about certain things. Downplayed things that disappointed me. I do find that I spend a lot of time worrying about everyone else, and not so much about myself... that I spend a whole lot of time walking on eggshells so as to avoid any uncomfortable conversations or tantrums. In fact, I think I have lost my 'bigger picture'. My whole life is consumed with the now. Getting jobs, paying bills, earning money, seeing friends, fulfilling obligations... I've stopped planning ahead. And then when I look at all the things that I need to do... it all feels a bit daunting. Just thinking about health stuff... I need to see a Dentist, Psych, GP, Gyno and probably a Gastroenterologist (is that how you spell it?) That is a lot of time and money... and I kinda don't see how the hell I am supposed to fit this stuff in. Maybe I just have to attack each one on it's own. Perhaps I could prioritise? hrmmm.

It is time for beds. I don't want to hear what Sandra Sully has to say about the budget. I'd rather shoot myself in the head.

Hehe.

Just returned home from watching the Federal Budget at my friend Kristine's house... on the plasma. I am quite satisfied. It  was a sensible, prudent half hours introduction to the next financial years spending. I liked it. I liked that it wasn't the Libs preaching and smirking down the barrel of the video camera. I like the fact that I have finally witnessed a budget developed by the Labor party... it has been thirteen years... I'm not sure I was particularly interested in politics at the age of ten.

In other news, I have a job interview next week. In the government. It is a permanent job that I would be keen to work in. I won't go into too much detail because my boyfriend once had a job offer withdrawn for saying negative things about that particular position on his livejournal. Not that I have anything negative to say! It is definitely one that I reeeaally want! Oh please K Rudd, give me the job! PUHLEEEZE!

And finally - I don't know if anybody actually reads my livejournal anymore... which is fine. But if you do read it, and would like to continue reading it (and be my livejournal friend)... could you please leave a comment? I like to regularly clear things out and make them fresh and new again... and it is high time I did it in livejournal... it has been four years on and off, afterall.

24 weeks later and I am back online. Really want to get back into the journal-ing. I like to look back at me, say, 4 years ago... 4 YEARS AGO! That is a really long time - what I am trying to say is -  I like to look back and see how much I have grown.

Four years ago... I had never kissed a boy... actually I might've drunkenly kissed one by then... but only one.
Four years ago... I spoke Japanese better...
Four years ago... I was 'going' places... at least that was what my gut instinct told me.
Four years ago... I was a little more sane, less idealistic, more carefree, weighed less...

A lot happens in four years.

I am now twenty three. My birthday was yesterday. Happy birthday to me. Was a bit grumpy coz heaps of people didn't come around to eat pizza... but then didn't care too much because, well, then there was more pizza for me! ha, nah, not really. Twenty three is a non event. It is time ticking over. It is my nineteen year old sister exclaiming that I am now officially old and ready to have babies. Ahh, I remember those days. You're old, I'm young.... and for the most part, I still am! But, then again, I am also older than a fair number of people I meet... this is a new and unwanted occurence in life.

Anyway, I am enrolled to do a creative/professional writing course through openuniversities.edu.au. Woo. So, perhaps in the next 20 weeks or so my written prose may improve. Possible, likely... maybe not so likely but a girl can hope.

"I hope that one day I am something good."

My gut instinct used to believe the above. I suppose I am more bogged down in the mundane, trivial aspects of life these days. Less time to dream away my life as a blue helmet, negotiating peace when the world is on the verge of nuclear war, writing long, interesting, thoughtful and poignant articles on the benefits of 'community', 'acceptance', 'moderation', 'socialism', 'humanity' and ... maybe sobriety. Ah.

Ah, another new aspect to my life. I am sober. And not because I was an alcoholic. But rather, I discovered some time ago that booze was messing with my sinuses and after much thought, suffering... and more thought, I decided to give it up. I don't drink. Well... that is not entirely true. I drink A BEER every now and then. But it has been at least six weeks since my last drink... it has been six months since the last time I was drunk. Whoa! I used to get drunk a lot. I used to do rather naughty things when I was drunk. It has taken me a few months of sobriety to get the guts up to be 'social' and 'fun'. I danced sober for the first time on Saturday night. I don't think I was too terrible. And if I was... well at least I know how to shake what my mother gave me... sorry, what daddy paid for... my boobies.

Enough of my ramblings... time to get ready for my trip to Sydney. Fingers crossed the boyfriends families like me!





 

Wow it's been awhile. Three months or so. I was just re-reading old posts. I forget how much I love writing down my thoughts - or more importantly, how much i like re-reading them and congratulating myself for being such an articulate, interesting person... hehe.

Catch up?

Still haven't spoken to Dad. It has been 5 months on Monday. Wow. That's a really fucking long time. I sent him a text awhile ago - he replied, I said he should come visit one weekend - no reply. Then it was my little bro's 21st. The family had a dinner. I wasn't invitied. Turns out I need to make a better effort to patch things up with Dad. Last time I looked, I was the one who texted and tried to bridge the ever-increasing divide. I was pretty shattered. It's pretty shit to be excluded from the family celebrations. It is more shit because your father's girlfriend got to be in attendance, wish him a nice day and give him a present, a hug and a kiss... and me, the older sister, didn't. But thems the cuts. I'm slowly getting over it. 

I keep remembering The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People. It talks about your Circle of Influence and your Circle of Concern. Your Circle of Influence is inside your Circle of Concern. If you focus on those things that you have influence over, you increase your Circle of Influence. If you focus on all those things outside your Circle of Influence (that are in your Circle of Concern) - you will be ineffective and decrease your influence. It makes sense. For example, there is no use worrying about not being able to pay off your credit card when you have no money. It may be a concern - but you have no influence over this issue.  Instead, you should focus your energies on making the money, finding more money - thus making you more able to address your ever-increasing credit card debt. Your influence has grown to include something that was previously outside your influence. Enlightening, huh?

Anyway - I'm still working for Telstra. BUT - Dan and I are heading back to the Berra next year. I'm going to go back to Uni and get me a degree! Woo! And then I will earn enough money to pay off my credit card debt...

I'm going to leave this here for the time being. I might try to make a more concerted effort to write in this thing again. Need to get writing again in preparation for the upcoming study...

Love, love.

After an arduous two weeks of househunting - of having my mum give me a deadline of next week (yup, she was going to 'kick' me out, in the nicest possible way of course) - Daniel and I have found a place. Hawthorn - across from a park, 5 minutes walk to train station and trams, with a milkbar directly across the road. Hello Saturday mornings picking up my newspaper and milk. $220pw. 1br apartment, all recently renovated etc etc. Haven't actually seen it (Uh Oh!), but am sure it will be fine... or not, but at least I have a roof over my head until the end of the next financial year.

Dad and I had a massive fight last night - again. Money, again. He was mostly a cunt. I was mostly the desperate, soon to be homeless daughter needing to scrape a couple hundred dollars together to move. I have a grand. Dan and I saved it in 3 weeks (Go us!). Obviously this isn't enough. Obviously I turn to my very well off father - hello $2,000+ a week income. Obviously, he bullshitted his way towards 'maybe'. So, in my distress at not having the cash in time I sourced other channels. Found the money. Texted Dad to release him from obligation, responsibility and a short-term financial donation to his eldest daughter. He calls back. Abuses me. Says I only see him when I want something. Says I was should've given him more time. Says that I am deliberately trying to 'whack' him. I cry. I cry a lot. He didn't pay my surgical bills that he had promised, even when debt collectors started sending me letters last year. He didn't help me move down here. He tried to make me postpone important specialist doctor appointments that I had been on waiting lists for (on his advice), because he couldn't afford to help me out.  After his complete disregard for my health last year I knew that it would be tough to get a cent out of him now. It doesn't matter that I would've had a breakdown if things had continued to go along as they were. 

Mum made me call him. She says that I shouldn't let him get away with it. That I should at least make my 'hardship' known to him. He is my father afterall. However, the absolute disappointment and hurt that I experience when he does this to me, time and time again... so not worth it. I don't even hate him. I feel kinda numb about it. Nothing I say or do will change this. Tough love is his game. I think I've decided that I'm not going to play. Previously after such horrific fights I have gone back to him and tried to 'settle' things. Find common ground, talk etc etc. But to what end? The next time I ask/do something unreasonable he will fail me again. He is not supportive. He doesn't really care about me. His life is already overloaded with obligation - three other children and a girlfriend, a demanding job, blah blah. I've left home, things change Kate, you can't expect to have the same relationship with your family anymore, you can't expect them to drop everything for you Kate, you're too demanding Kate, you're expectations are too high Kate.

This story goes back, way back. So much detail, so many instances where I am unreasonable, horrible, irresponsible, undeserving. 

What has stopped me from 'cutting the ties', 'getting space' earlier is my family. If I stop talking to Dad I am going to make my siblings life that little bit worse - and I might possibly lose them, particularly my sisters. They love Dad, so do I - but they trust him, and I don't. They believe him, I don't. They will defend him, and I won't. The more I think about it though, the more I realise that there isn't much of a relationship with my sisters to save. They don't need me. Don't really want me. I'm tainted. I'm cynical. I'm harsh, honest, whatever you want to call it. So for the time being I am going to get space. I'm not going to call him, or apologise, or 'settle' things. It's not worth it. It is up to Dad and my sisters to decide how this pans out. I'm awaiting their call.

There was a shooting in Melbourne CBD today. Down in front of my friends work. Three people were shot at point blank range, one fatality, two critically injured. Mum rang me just after nine to see if I was OK - and I was - because I work on the other side of the city. I rang my friend and caught her being late to work - I warned her - she arrived at work to find the police cordons all up, her building in lockdown and was told to go home. She must've been rattled because I was. Shootings don't happen often and when I think about them I think random gangland shootings out in the 'burbs with no witnesses. 

There are calls for stricter gun laws. Unlike our American counterparts, Australian's don't mind the idea of gun laws so much - it isn't a consitutional right to bear arms here, thankfully. After the Port Arthur Massacre in 1995 many semi-automatic and automatic weapons were banned - forgive the lack of detail as to which weapons - I'm not a specialist in this department and can't be bothered googling it. Many, like my ex-British Airforce Uncle cried as they handed over their pride and joy guns but overwhelming people understood that guns lead to deaths.

Is it the weapon that kills? Or is it the person holding the weapon? Is it the drugs that kill or the addict who chooses to take them? I don't understand why drugs are illegal - they do kill, and cause crimes - but guns also kill and cause crimes, but are in many cases legal. They both have such a destructive influence on society. Or is it society that is destroying us? Or is it Democracy? Democratisation? Capitalism? Corporations? Unions? John Howard's IR laws? Global Warming? Terrorism? The Axis of Evil? Feminism? The Crisis of Masculinity? Egalitarianism? The Stock Exchange? Economic Rationalism? Multiculturalism? Humanitarianism? McDonalds? Barbie? Consumerism? Religion? Fundamentialism?

I've become such a cynic. I have ideals - but I am also aware that people are different, and want different things from life. There is no blanket solution. Gun Laws won't stop murders - the stabbings at Latrobe University earlier this year demonstrate this. The War on Drugs won't stop people taking drugs, nor will it stop drug associated crime - it just pushes it 'underground' into uncontrollable, unmanageable territory. The War Against Terror will not be won - one man's terrorist is anothers freedom fighter afterall. Capitalism and the 'trickle down effect' does not make everybody rich, happy and secure. Unions won't always stand up for 'their guys'. Egalitarianism cannot work unless everyone starts on a level playing field. Multiculturalism negates the fact that there is always somebody seemingly 'moving in' on somebody elses territory and by nature animals, and humans are programmed to protect their territories - Hello national sovereignty, territorial integrity and the wonders of Realist theory!! All of these so called solutions forget that we are all different - fuck, Humanitarianism continually portrays the poor and unfortunate as 'the same' - as throbbing masses of faces, starving and malnourished, beaten and battered.

With all the good intentions in the world, there is NO one solution. There is no quick bandaid fix. No-one can ever be 100% right. 

And armed with this knowledge I will wake up day after day and try to battle the world. And continually force my 'correct' views and solutions down other people's throats because, hey, it's been working alright for me! But then authoritarianism and fascism worked for Hitler.

Instead, armed with this knowledge - that I have always had - I will try and live my own life and not dictate and manipulate those who choose to do things different. Diversity is afterall, refreshing.